Beam Me Up Teletubbies
by Kat-Renee Kittel
Summary: A Teletubbie Parody - Star Trek meets The Teletubbies. Spock uncovers the sinister plot of the Daleks.


**----APPROVED FOR SUPERIOR SAFE LAUGHTER RATING----------  
---Dawn ****Renée** **& The Laughter Safety Valve Commission**™

(Disclaimer: I don't own any Teletubbies, and cannot be responsible for the Dalek invasion of fluffy television programming. As far as I know, Dr. Who and the Star Trek crew have never actually met. This is a parody and not an intention to infringe on anyone's or any company's copyrights, no matter what universe they exist in.)

Prologue: The Teletubbies harbor a dark secret: they are agents of an alien invasion of our children's brains. If they can turn our toddler's brains into non-intelligent "mush," then nothing will stop them. The mush will be contagious and spread into television programming for older children and adults. Resistance will be futile and the whole Earth will belong to the Daleks, enemies of Dr. Who!

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**BEAM ME UP TELETUBBIES,  
**(Or, Scotty, There's No Intelligent Life Here)

**Episode One of The Invasion of the Daleks.  
**Screenplay by Mush4Brains

Edited by Noo Noo.

Narrator: The Sun Baby detects an intruder into the fluffy world of Teletubbie land. The baby face pouts. La-La skips out of the little tubbie house and stops on the path. Bright little points of light are merging into a human form.

La-La skips out of the house: Pwetty sparkles.

Narrator: The humanoid is wearing a blue shirt with black pants and boots. His hair is short and black. He is holding a black box in his hand.

Dipsey skips out of the house: Eh-oh.

Po skips out of the house: Funny ears.

Tinky-Winky skips out of the house: Funny clothes.

The humanoid speaks into the box: Mr. Scott, I believe you have beamed me into a parallel universe.

The box: Sorry sir, but the Verti-Chron particles we detected in the eruption from the gas giant must have interfered with your transport. I canna' tell where ya are, Mister Spock.

Spock: I will attempt to speak to the natives, Spock out.

Narrator: La-La is near-sighted and bumps into the intruder.

La-La: Eh-oh.

Spock: Excuse me, where are you parents?

Po: Eh-oh

Tinky-Winky: Eh-oh.

Narrator: Dipsey smiles and waves.

Spock: Pardon me, but I must find out where I am. (Spock puts his right hand on La-La's face and attempts to mind meld. Immediately, Spock is sitting on the ground, grinning from ear to ear.)

Spock: Eh-oh. (He shakes his head, stops grinning and tries a little further. Somewhere behind La-La's mush brain, he picks up a signal with a distinct monotone pattern - _We are the Daleks, we will assimilate you and turn your brain into mush. Resistance is futile._)

Narrator: Another intruder is detected by Baby Sun. He starts to bawl and have a huge tantrum. The sky turns cloudy and begins to storm. The sparkles form into a bald headed man with a red and black uniform. The sky is pouring rain. Lightning will soon form to strike the intruders.

Dipsey & Tinky-Winky: Eh-oh.

Narrator: Laughing and skipping, Dipsey and Tinky-Winky grab the bald man's arms and try to pull him toward the house and away from the other intruder.

(Spock is babbling gibberish.)

Spock: _We will assimilate you. We will turn your brains to mush. You will become a TV zombie. We will invade. We will invade. _

Narrator: The bald man frees himself from the Teletubbies and rushes to Spock's side. The Teletubbies run into the house to get out of the rain and keep from getting struck by lightning.

(The Teletubbies look up at the sky. Lightning strikes near the intruders. Po shrieks and the four tubbie beings run into the house.)

The man shakes Spock: Snap out of it, Spock, it's just a ridiculous children's program. This is the holodeck on the Enterprise.

Spock comes to and looks at the second intruder. (He speaks in monotone): _Captain Picard, we must erase program from holodeck_. (He tries to regain his composure and speak properly.) It is an implantation from the Daleks to gain access into our universe.

Picard: Daleks? Who?

Spock: Exactly.

(Spock and Picard set their phasers for Vertion-Chronoton disruption, which comes in handy in crossover stories, and fire them at the baby sun.)

Baby Sun does a raspberry: Thbthbhtbht!

(Lightning strikes again, and barely misses our heroes, but they stand their ground in the wind and pouring rain. The blue phaser beams finally reveal the ugly block face of the Daleks, and then the program disintegrates. Spock & Picard put their phasers away. They are left standing in the empty holodeck, when the door swishes. A very old Doctor (Admiral) McCoy hobbles in.)

Dr. McCoy: But I didn't get to say my favorite line.

Picard & Spock turn to Dr. McCoy in unison: What line?

Dr. McCoy: They're dead, Jim.

(This was written to expose the evil plot of mushy television programs. I must post before I am found out. Oh nooo, it's too late – Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!)

The Daleks surround the writer, speaking to the camera in monotone: _We will turn your brains to mush. Earth will be ours! Ha. Ha. Ha. We will assimilate you. Resistance is futile. Oh no, it's the Borg. They will assimilate us. We must run. _

(They leave the writer alone to post her story. She quietly slips off to bed and gets a good night's sleep.)

(The Daleks try to run, but they have no legs. They roll around in circles, bumping into each other, making it easy for the Borg drones to confiscate them. The Borg deactivate the Dalek robots, take them apart and sell the processors on b-Bay Borg version of e-Bay as TV props, since the inferior technology of the Daleks is useless to them.)

Seven sees the items on b-Bay during one of her nightly regeneration times and decides to buy the pieces for Tom Paris to use in the Captain Proton Robot.

Meanwhile, like most Vulcans, Tuvok remembered to meditate on the Logic of The Maker of All Things before he went to bed, which is the best defense against the Daleks and their plot to take over our minds with useless mush.

Resistance is not futile.

Star Trek Reference Note: Verti-Chron particles are a mutation of Vertions & Chronotons. Vertions are found in wormholes, but they are not the actual cause of wormhole formation (DS9). Chronoton particles are known to cause temporal anomalies (DS9, Voyager). Verti-Chron particles have been found within openings into parallel universes, known as Time-Straits (Chronicles of the m'Arhiel).

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This parody is dedicated to my Big Brother, **Richard Belzer**,Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™

Thanks for the safe horizon...


End file.
